It’s funny how life tends to burst your bubbles just when you think you are all set and ready to take off into the clear blue, ‘big enough for everybody’ sky and just, when you don’t see that ish coming -BAM! Reality check!!!
So first off, I am technically the only child (technically because I have fam spread everywhere) and an assumed ‘baby girl’, ‘mummy’s girl’, ‘spoilt lil somebody’ how I wish that was ‘completely’ true though. Somehow, from quite a tender age up till my grown up – young woman day, it’s popularly assumed and believed that I have no troubles in the world whatsoever, but fam… we gon’ talk about a topic I am all to very well familiar with – Responsibility baby!
Today I took a walk, a long walk, something I haven’t done in like forever. Something I hardly do, but today was different, I needed a moment wasn’t quite sure what I wanted out of that moment but I was sure I needed it. I felt like screaming out loud for the whole world to hear – I NEED A BREAK! TIMEOUT!! ANYBODY!!! SOMEBODY!!!! (of course I didn’t), but I got to that climax and felt myself plunging right down below, because life did the needful; gave me yet another pretty good reality check.
You know what she checked on that list?
ü Growth: She said, you do not age backward, you are a grown a** woman, you are not going to have it any more easy than the first day you took up one responsibility, from your first deliberate choice to be responsible. More growth = More responsibility. Now are you happy you are growing?
ü Maturity: She asked, how many personal needs have you silenced, unsatisfied because of a responsibility? She said, your answer is your truth, your scale to weight how much more of an ‘adult’ you are. Now, how much more are you?
ü Care: She reiterated – Actions speak louder than words. No one should say ‘I am good, I am concerned’, for themselves, I’l do the check for that and what’s left on the responsibility list, unsettled, will also answer this. Now, how caring are you?
ü Independence: “Freedom to make choices of own will, freely and competently” she said, then asked, Now, how many decisions have you handled freely, hardly without aid and competently?
ü True Satisfaction: She whispered “Do you have that?”…
“Do you have that? Do you have that? Do you have that?”. These soft echoes seemed to fill the see through elevator I shared with two other people and even though I wasn’t alone in there, one glance at my company and I knew, I knew I was the only one consciously choking from these words. As the elevator doors drew apart and I was sure I was now on the floor of my favourite spot, I felt a relief, as though those taunting words had just been washed out the elevator as the doors separated, like a battle was over and won. Indeed it was, because at the moment I put these words down on word sheet, I am rid of frustration, complain, wear and victimisation; that which I unconsciously decided to clothe myself with the whole day, measuring the weighty responsibilities with my not enough and justifying it with my self gratification – “I have done enough / I am doing enough”. Now I am grateful, grateful to know I am definitely on track and as far as I am not broken, have not hit the ground, not lost ME; I am matching up to life’s expectation and I am ready for more.
Now here’s the thing, I didn’t have to put this down, it is my personal challenge yes? My personal struggle yes? Yes! And someone else out there, lady, gentleman, someone, is going through this war, struggle. Maybe not just one day, maybe every other week, day, hour. It’s perfectly fine, it shows you are human, it tells you are doing something right, even in all your possible wrongs.
Life says – you are grown, mature, caring, independent and have true satisfaction (even when it doesn’t seem obvious, look within).
This post says – you are definitely not alone *wink*